Mommy Meltdown Madness

Confession time.   I have had temper tantrums in front of my sons.    Complete mommy meltdowns. Not mother of the year moments, that’s for sure.  

What I’ve come to realize is that these moments will happen to me again.   It will happen to all of us at some time.   Instead of pretending the madness isn’t there, I started thinking how do I get through my mommy meltdowns without a bottle of wine and shame?   By letting go and reversing roles.   Being vulnerable with my sons.  

I unintentionally tested my theory over the weekend.   I have two sons, ages 8 and 9.   They are twelve months apart.   They both woke up moody.   They know how to push each other’s -and my - buttons.   I had to get out of the house.   You know those days.   Get the children out of the house before we have a mass murder in here! 

As I was driving them to the local amusement arcade, I lost it.   I had a mommy meltdown.   I had enough.  

The boys started throwing DVDs at each other in the back seat of the car.   Both are star athletes and those disc cases are hard.   The younger one got whacked in the nose and started crying. 

I just reacted.  I pulled the car over. 

“What are you doing, Mommy?” asked my 8 year old through his tears.   Let me tell you, my son:

         I am pulling over into this subdivision.   I am stopping this

         car.  I am taking all those DVD’s and putting them into the

         trunk.   You know I organized all those for you and these          

         are the ones we don’t watch anymore.   I’m giving them away.  

        And then you two throw them at each other (I had a sentimental 

        moment a few minutes earlier about a DVD called Mighty Machines.   

        I thought of how many times we watched it when they were young.                      

        This should have been red flag of impending meltdown.)

        You know I’m staying at home and getting things in order.            

         I’ve been here with you and I like it.   A lot.   But today

         I have felt unappreciated.   Like it doesn’t matter

         what I do or how I feel.   This fighting between the two of you is 

         killing me.  (Every good meltdown has some melodrama.) 

         It’s gotta stop!!

The boys stared at me.   They listened.   They handed me the DVD’s.   No throwing.   Their eyes were wide.   We drove in silence for about 15 minutes.   It was tense.   I thought about turning around and going home.   But I didn’t.   In that silence, I realized what I needed to do.   Turning around was the exact opposite thing of what I, and my boys, needed at that moment.

I needed to give them a chance.   I needed to reenter the moment.   First, I had to let my anger go.   That’s hard.  It is not healthy to keep anger.   It boils up inside me and I get resentful.   So I needed to let the anger go.   Open myself up again to my boys.

After I let the anger go, I reversed roles with my boys.   They were probably a bit scared.   Meltdowns are not calm.   They needed my love.   They also needed to know that I let it go.   I am not angry anymore.  

So after about 15 minutes of tense silence in the car, still driving to the amusement arcade, I spoke.   It was a tender voice, “Are you hungry?  Do you want to stop at McDonald’s?”  What I heard was, “A little.  I don’t care.”   But it was my opening.  

After we got our food, we talked.   It wasn’t about the meltdown.   That had to be later that night.   I didn’t forget to apologize.  I apologized for getting angry.   More importantly, I thanked them for letting me back in.   To having a fun afternoon.   That I felt like they appreciated me and we had lots of fun.   And the great thing is, that they did too.   We both had reversed roles.   And let our angry go. 

Life is all about reversing roles.  How many times have you heard the phrases, “Walk a mile in my shoes” and  “If only you could see it through my eyes.”   This is possible.  We can look at a situation or issue through somebody else’s eyes.  By reversing roles, we can empathy.   We can forgive and let go.

How do we use reverse roles as parents?  We instinctively do it, even as new parents.   When our baby cries, we cuddle him. We know he needs contact, food or diaper change.  When we reversed roles (mostly by instinct in these moments), we knew our baby needed one of a few things from us.    If we are tired or frustrated, we still do it.    Instinct forces us too.   To make sure our baby survives.  

Somewhere along the way, we lose our instinct to reverse roles with our child.    And by not reversing roles with our children as they get older, they are not given models on how to keep that natural ability.   They learn to feed their own ego first.   How great would it feel if your child saw you come home late one night from work and just gave you a hug and said, “You had a long day, didn’t you?”  

We all just want to be noticed.   To feel understood.   Reversing roles meets both of those needs.

This is no way scientific or proven.   Yet, as a mother for almost ten years, who has her share of mommy meltdowns, these are the steps that help me flow out of them:

5 Steps to Flow Out of Mommy Meltdown

1.   Access Situation

This step is critical.  We all have moments everyday which frustrates us a parents.   Not all are meltdown worthy.    Don’t cry wolf.   Ask yourself, “Is this a big deal?  Do I feel unable to deal with this?”   Answer is usually no.   Take a breath, and parent.    Let the frustration go and chalk it up to what nobody ever told you about being a parent.

2.  Share How You Feel

If the situation is meltdown worthy, and you are unable to stop it, then share.    Share how you are feeling at that moment.  

It is so easy to blame.   I am guilty of this.   I have once told my sons, in the midst of a road trip back from Kentucky, that they ruined a vacation.   Now I realized I was the one causing the tension because I felt unappreciated and used.   I should have told them this instead of saying they ruined a vacation.  

Words are powerful.   We all have at least one memory of words that another has told us that still cause pain.    We don’t forget words.   So chose the words carefully when you are in meltdown mode.    The fewer the better.   Focus on how you feel instead of what happened and blame.

3.  Stop!

Do not let yourself talk (yell, cry or whatever your favorite emotion is during a meltdown) for more than 60 seconds.   This is so important.   

This is not a time for you to spew everything out there.   Your child is not a punching bag.   This is not where you vent.  

At football practice, I saw a dad yelling at his 10-year-old son for four minutes.   It felt like eternity.  The father got eye-to-eye with the boy and just yelled.   Saying nasty things to the boy.   I wanted to jump in.   To tell the dad to Stop!   But I didn’t.    I felt such empathy for that boy.    No one needs another yelling at him or her for minutes.   That boy will never forget that moment.   I will not either as I remember the boy’s face and the dad’s anger when I am in meltdown.   So I shut up after sharing my feelings.   I am working on getting better at this and editing my sharing.  

4.   Let It Go

This is a hard one for me.   I tend to hold on to hurt.   It shows up in passive aggressive ways.   It is always destructive.

Since taking a sabbatical, I have been working on letting go of my anger.   Actually letting go of any destructive feeling.  Anger, blame, sadness, helplessness.    I ask myself, “What do you need?”   Usually it is love and empathy.   “Can you get that in a state of anger or sadness?”  Nope, not easily.   “Is this emotion serving you any purpose?”    Nope.   So let it go.  

Wouldn’t you rather be connecting with another person than stewing in your anger or sadness?   You can only do this if you let go the emotions that you felt in the meltdown.   Letting go doesn’t mean giving up.   Just the opposite.   You are allowing yourself to get into an emotional space to connect.   To heal.  To receive the love and empathy that you needed before your meltdown.

It’s scary to let go of anything.   It leaves one vulnerable.   Open to get hurt again.   To feel ignored.  But it is also opens us to having wonderful moments connecting with each other.   

5.  Reenter after Reversing Roles with Your Child

After you have let it go, you need to reverse roles with your child.   What does my child need right now?   And usually, just like you, he or she needs love and empathy.   They need you to know you may have scared them with the meltdown.   That they are sorry.   They love you and want to play again.  

Reversing roles makes you realize this is not about you anymore.  It's about them.  You are back as their parent.  Meltdown is over.    You can all feel safe again.

What people most want is another chance.  Give it to them.  

We all crumble into madness at one time or another.   It may not be in your role as a mother.   It may be in your role as friend, son, or co-worker.   We all lose it sometime.   The good news is that we are in this together.   There are things to do to get back into the flow of life after a meltdown. 

For me, after going through the steps above and not turning the car around, it meant that my boys and I got back into the flow of living.   It meant that I was number one laser tag player on my team.   I got much respect from the 12-year-old boys and the two other dads.   It meant challenging the boys to my favorite video game as a child, Pac Man.   It means that meltdowns are a part of life.   And most importantly, it means that a meltdown doesn’t have to ruin a whole day or even an hour.   They are passing as long as I let it go and reverse roles with my boys.


”He Should Have Had a Better Attorney”  says Commenter

Opening Up and Risking Rejection

Today The Detroit News ran a human interest story about me. www.detroitnews.com/story/life/columnists/marney-rich-keenan/2014/10/29/attorney-takes-sabbatical-stay-home-mom/18159245.

They wanted to talk to me about my murder trial and timing of my sabbatical.  

On Monday, Marney Kennan, a reporter for the Detroit News, came to my house.  We chatted for an hour and a half.   I told her how touched I was that somebody was interested in my story.   Even more than that, I felt like Marney really listened and understood me during the interview.   It was like chatting with an old friend. Marney told me about her children and job.   She told me that I’d never regret taking a sabbatical.

The only way we connected is that we both revealed things to each other.   We revealed emotion, not just facts.   We could have just told each other how many kids we each have and their ages.    Instead, we got deeper.   We both revealed our emotions about being a working mother.   How life goes by so quickly.    She felt like a wise older sister.    As we were talking about my murder trial, she said, “You are the type of attorney I would want.”   It felt good.   And I told her that.   Instead of saying, no, no or averting my eyes, I took the compliment.   I felt it and appreciated it.   I want to tell people how their words make me feel, good or bad.   More than that even, I want to feel how a person’s words make me feel, good and bad.

A media relation’s expert would have died if they had been present during the interview.   I gave opinions on the trial judge, revealed my shame at crying in the courtroom, and talked about my personal relationship with my client Ted.   I took a risk in revealing so much.   It’s a risk I am taking now.   Sometimes that risk will pay off, and sometimes it won’t.   I may be rewarded with a warm feeling or I may be punished with cruel words or people misinterpreting me.   Is the risk of being vulnerable worth it?

Yes it is.   Well at least that is what I’m learning.   

I’ve already been mocked and put down by Detroit News’ reader comments such as these:

Jason Matthew · Top Commenter

Wafer should have hired a better attorney.

     Leodis Elliott – Well Jason.   As Kwame incorrectly stated his lawyer

     done set him up to claim ineffective assistance of counsel in his

     quest for another trial. 

I can take the name calling.   It does hurt though.   I won’t pretend it doesn’t. My husband didn’t want to tell me about these comments.    He was trying to protect me.   I can take it because I reverse roles with these commenter’s.   I think their anger is about the case, racism and gun control.   Not about me.   

However, Leodis was in the mood to comment more on the article and me.   This time he hit home:

Leodis Elliott · Please with the effen emotional neurotic drama. Bob

Bashara needs you to fight as he is an underdog who murdered his wife just 

as that old paranoid trigger happy white man senselessly murdered that young             woman. Most lawyers accept or are thrust into challenging cases. Do your best, accept the verdict, and get ready for the next case. And if you can't stand the heat get out and stay out of the kitchen at least while the stove is on.

  

This comment hurt more because it mocks my shame.  Crying in the courtroom.   Did I try a case too much on emotion?   Some attorney friends have told me this and hell knows a lot of the public said this.    I don’t know.   I tried a case with the emotion of fear for one’s life.   Of panic and anger and fear, at different levels, at different times.   It was the truth and I can’t hide the emotional truth.   Should I have changed it?   Told Ted, never ever say that and when you said you were full of piss and vinegar to the police, let’s shade that statement or explain it away.  Or should I have hid it?   Just have Ted tell the facts of what he did, without feelings?   Or should I have done an opening statement without emotion?   Should I become more clinical and exact?

I couldn’t.   Because no matter how people are uncomfortable that a bit of Ted was mad when he got his shotgun, it is the truth.    He was more afraid than angry.    I can never understand how someone can kill in self-defense if they are not a little angry.   You need the anger to fight.   Fight or flight.   Yet it’s hard to swallow this.   To accept feelings that may seem contradictory but aren’t.    Just to accept feelings and not put blame on them.   You shouldn’t feel like that!   How many times have we felt like this in our life or somebody has told us that.

Tears and emotion are hard for society to accept.   Happiness or sadness is only understood only if they are related to a socially appropriate event.    Tears from an attorney in the courtroom is not socially acceptable.    Why?   Don’t lawyers feel?    Isn’t good storytelling and advocacy done with passion and emotion?

This weekend, I was reminded of this again.   I was teaching at the Trial Lawyers College seminar on closing arguments.   I worked with a student who was struggling to connect with the jurors during closing argument.   I saw the problem.   He was just saying words, like reading from a script.    None of us felt any love or compassion for his client.    So we did a retake.   He did it again, after exploring his feelings for his client and what happened to her.   This time the “jurors” were on the edge of their seat.    They wanted to help him.    The lawyer showed his sadness for a husband losing his wife after being married for 30 years.   This lawyer was thinking of his own wife and the thought of losing her.   He tried to hide his tears that came naturally.    When he wiped away the tears and became clinical, he lost his connection to the jurors.  

I am not sure if this attorney will really open up his feelings in court.   He’s old school and has been taught real men don’t cry or show emotion.  

Just think if lawyers showed their compassion in every step of the legal process.   It would take hold.    Judges would become more empathetic.   The attorneys would stop fighting so hard against one another.   The fighting wouldn’t stop but the vicious nature of it might.  

Just think if the commenter to the news article let go of his anger towards the case and me.   If he felt what was deeper inside him.   It’s more than anger.   He’s been hurt by racism or family member killed/injured by a gun.   He is taking it out on me.   Because his side won.  They got a murder conviction.   Got 17 years in prison for a 55 year old man.   So why does the anger at me linger?  He’s never dealt with the bigger issue in his life.  

Although the mean comments are hard to read, it’s part of being vulnerable.   I have to open up in order to feel connected to others.   I risk being rejected by many for opening up and being emotional.   Some already has rejected me.   But far more have connected with me and me with them.   

This is a lesson to remember the only way to feel connected with others, is to take risk of vulnerability and opening up.    Pain will come from it.   Some people don’t like it and will tell you.   Try to shame you.   But I promise the beauty of the connections, like the one I will always have with the newspaper reporter and from comments from people who identify with me, far outweigh the rejection.

To read more about the Power of Vulnerability, read and watch Brene Brown.   She gets it.   To get a taste of Brene Brown, watch this 20 minute TedTalk: 

www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

Improv Wisdom - 13 Ways to Live in Moment

Improv Wisdom -
        13 Ways to Live in Moment, Happily!!

          

I am on a plane on way to Seattle.  I am going to teach closing argument for Gerry Spence's Trial Lawyers College.  

Sitting next to me is Dennis Whittie.  He is coming to intern.  He just graduated law school, works as police officer and taking bar exam.   I met Dennis when I judged him in his law school trial class.   

Dennis is excited to take part of this trial skills program.  I am excited to teach and see old friends. 

We just finished talking about improv.  I am excited to play improv with my friends and hopefully get a chance to teach the students improv way of life.  I am convinced improv is the secret to happiness and success in whatever you do.  Doesn't matter if you're lawyer, stay at home mom or teacher.  It applies to living. 

I just had improv moment while playing board game with family.  It was charades based game. 

Children are master improvisers.  They know how to take a cardboard box and turn it into a rocket in the moment.  Imagination is all they need.  

Plus, children aren't self conscious.  They walk up to kids they don't know and ask, "Wanna play?"  Or better yet, they just join the game on the playground.  Who needs invitation? Just jump in.  Be in the moment.  They don't wonder, "Will anybody like me?"  They just do it.   

I saw a TedTalk where the presenter asked everyone to draw a 1 minute picture of person next to them.   Every drawer was self conscious in their ability and how their drawing would be judged.   The one being drawn was worried about the pimple on their face or having bad hair day.  Neither person was connecting with each other during this intimate moment.  Each was worried about themselves.  Joy was replaced by self conscious feelings.  

When kids draw a picture of each other, the mood is different.  The kid drawer holds up the picture with pride. The kid getting drawn loves seeing the picture no matter what it looks like.   The kids connect with each other and experience joy in a simple thing. 

Where and when did adults lose this ability? I think when puberty hits we become self conscious.  Fear fills us.  What if we look or sound stupid.  We censor ourselves.  We try to fit in and be like everyone else.  We fear yes.  

I want us to return to being kids.  No fear of failure.   Be in the moment and enjoy what you're doing.  

My husband is a pediatrician.  He loves kid patients because they don't worry about the future.  They aren't weighed down with thoughts of mortality and mortgages.  He can joke with them even when in intensive care unit.  

I propose we all be kids again.  Sounds fun, doesn't it?   Well how do we do this?   Live life with improv.   

One of my favorite books is Improv Wisdom by Patricia Ryan Madison.   It is a short, fast read that contains much wisdom and joy.  A colleague whom I've taught and played improv, Jerry Bosch, shared this book with me.  It is one of the wisest and truest books I've ever read.  

Madison writes of 13 Principles of Improv.  For my next 13 blog posts, I will write of each principle.   

First principle and most important is to 

                   1)  SAY YES!

When the answer to all questions is yes you enter a new world, Madison points out. There is now a world  of action, possibility and adventure 

Humans long to connect.  Yes glues them together.  No drives them apart.  

Take this example which I'm sure we have all experienced:

You:          Let's go to new steakhouse to eat 

Partner:   No, I don't feel like steak.

                 (Then Silence)

You:          How about about chinese?

Partner:     Nah, don't feel like that either.  

You:          What do u want??!

Partner:     I don't know.  

How frustrating is this conversation?  To me, very!  I've been on both ends and neither is fun.  It's classic blocking.  Every suggestion is met with a no.   The person suggesting is getting rejected.  Over and over.  Worse yet, they don't bring anything not bringing to table.  There are no suggestions or ideas.  Just no.   

How many times do we do this in real life?  I bet if you paid attention, you could count this happening everyday.  Let's stop all this blocking.  All it takes is you.  

The yes, and principle is essential to improv and life.  In Improv Wisdom, the author writes of how magical the word yes can be:

"When the answer to all questions is yes, you enter a new world, a world of action, possibility and adventure."  

Was there any action in the conversation I wrote of above?  Nope.  Just blocking.  It is a lonely feeling being blocked by your partner.  How many times do we say no just out of habit or fear?   When your partner says, "Let's go run around in the rain!"   What's your response?   Yes or no?   Yes is more fun.  It's living in the moment.  It's accepting an invitation to action.  No is telling your partner you aren't really interested in doing what they want.  No shows zero interest in making other person happy.  

Saying yes is happiness.  If you want to be happy, be around people who say yes.  Who are up for adventure and fun.  How easy would it have been to say yes in the above conversation?  Instead it's a dead end that leaves both people frustrated.   

Another problem with the conversation is that the partner just said no and didn't bring another idea.  In improv, you have to bring something to the stage.  You can't just stand there and let other person do all the talking.   It's called bringing a brick to build a house.  You both bring bricks to the house and build together.  

The partner only needed to offer suggestion. To be part of conversation with you.   To make you feel listened to.   Just imagine how different you would feel if you partner said no but then said, "I love idea of going out to eat.  How about Thai instead?"   Yes, instead is much better than No.   

Blocking stops any conversation and idea.  Then why do we do it?   In Improv Wisdom, one answer is that blocking/saying no is our way of trying to control the future.  It can be scary and unknown to say yes.  It's easier to say no.  Let's just make something at home than go out to eat.  

So I challenge all of you to say yes to something you were going to say no.  Start small.   When a friend asks you to go out to lunch or join them for exercise class, say yes!   Then be in the moment and see what happens.  

Next blog post - improv principle #2

     DON'T PREPARE.  

“Aren’t You on Sabbatical?”

 Why this Question Touches a Nerve in Me

It’s been about a month since I gave up my law office and majority of caseload.  I focus my energy on my family and myself, rather than my clients.   Everyday, I have taken my boys to bus stop and picked them up in afternoon.   My days are from 8:30am to 4:00 pm.   I do my things between these hours.   I made a commitment to my boys and myself.   I am a stay at home mom.   They no longer ask who is picking them up at bus stop, as they know I will be there.    They no longer mistakenly call me Jenny, our former babysitter.   That always hurt the most.   Those slips of the tongue told me that my boys spent more time with babysitter than me.   It was not making me happy.   So I changed how I lived my life.  

Yesterday, I was on the local news debating teens and sexting.   I am firmly in the camp that this shouldn’t be a criminal act.   The lawmakers who make these laws and prosecutors, who enforce laws, are not in touch with teens today.   Lawmakers and prosecutors did not grow up in a technological era.   We didn’t have cell phones or Facebook.   Our flirting as teens came in form of written notes passed out in school.   Today, flirting includes sexting.   It’s time for lawmakers and prosecutors to understand this.   Charging these teens with child sexually abusive material (child porn) is ridiculous.   These aren’t old men taking photos of young children for deviant sexual purpose.   That’s the purpose of the law.   Not to stigmatize our teens as either criminals or victims when they are neither.

So I was very excited to go on local news to debate this.   I put it on Facebook.    Two friends of mine posted on my wall, “What happened to the sabbatical?”  I didn’t expect this question.   For some reason, it made me mad.   I felt very defensive.   My one friend realized that I was defensive and he apologized to me.   He didn’t mean any disrespect.  

In turn, I apologized to him.    I overreacted based on my own personal issues.   Not that my friends were challenging me or calling me a hypocrite.   It was the hypocrite part that really bothered me.   I felt like a hypocrite.   Didn’t I publically proclaim my sabbatical and stay at home mom status?   Now I’m working.  I’m talking out both sides of my mouth.  

I’ve come to realize that I’m not a hypocrite.   I am doing what I want now.   No more being a slave to my overhead at the office, having to take cases I don’t want or not passionate in.  

What is a Sabbatical?   Merriam-Webster dictionary defines sabbatical as:

            a period of time during which someone does

            not work at his or her regular job and is able

            to rest, travel, do research, etc.

That’s exactly what I’m doing.   I’m not a hypocrite (and it’s important for me to realize I’m calling myself a hypocrite, not my friends).    I am taking time off the grind of the office and work.   Of waiting in court for two hours, to put a 5 minute appearance on the record.   I can’t tell you how frustrating and stressed those mornings would make me.   A sabbatical is only when one is not doing their regular job.   It doesn’t mean that a person can’t work or focus on their passions whether it is law related or gardening.  A sabbatical opens up the world.   It gives one a chance to do something different, to take a risk.   To re-energize.  

Another thing that bothered me about yesterday is the reaction from colleagues about my Facebook post.   Here is my post:

Watch me on Fox2 News tonight between 10:00-10:30pm.  Doing Let it Rip with 

 Charlie Langton. I'll have a thing or two to say about sexting and the possibility of 

 teens getting charged in rochester hills. Great thing about sabbatical is I don't care so                              much of who I may offend with my viewpoints. Sexting should not be a crime. 

The    prosecutors charging these cases are my age or older. They have never lived 

in era where flirting includes sexting. And anal sex doesn't mean you lose virginity.             

Or rainbow parties where girls give blow jobs to boys with dif color lipstick. 

This is happening with our kids. We need sex Ed and therapy NOT criminalization.

I received “warnings” from three different colleagues about how I’m going to “goad” the prosecutor into charging these kids with a crime.   I really don’t understand what I said in this post to make them feel like that.   It might have been my statement that I don’t care anymore what people think about what I say.   That statement is so unlike me and unexpected.  So maybe people thought I was losing my mind and I might go off on the air.   

I did not mean in this way.   What I meant, and one friend posted it accurately, is that I am going to speak my mind on what I think is fair in just in criminal justice system.   I am not worried anymore that I may say something wrong and offend a prosecutor or blow a case for client.   I’ve come to realize if I speak from my heart and brain, passion and facts combined, I am powerful.   It is when I censor myself, when I’m worried how my comments are taken by another, I lose some of my power.  

I also think I’m smart enough not to blow up a case for a criminal defense attorney, even if I’m not the attorney of record.  

Yesterday, I had many lessons.   First, never try to figure out why a person wrote something about you.   Don’t try to get in their mind as it’s impossible and we are likely to misconstrue what other person meant.   Instead, ask yourself, “Why did that comment affect me so much?”   Look inside yourself.  

Too many times we unfairly personalize comments others make.  We create anger and hurt in ourselves when we don’t even know why a person is making a statement.  It’s not about the statement, it’s how it makes you feel.  

Sabbatical, to me, is doing what makes me happy.   This in turn, makes those around you happy.   My boys are so much happier and there is less fighting in the house now that I’m home.   My boys are picking up on my happiness.  I will continue to teach trial skills, make TV appearances, and have a case or two.   Criminal defense law is in my blood and I would never be happy if I completely gave up law and reforming the sex offender registry.

This year I will work on not taking other’s comments personally.   Not to read into a comment except for tapping into myself to see why the comment affected me in the way it did.  If I do this, I know I will be even happier.